Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. Rumi

It has again been some time since I wrote.  Partly because I have been busy being accredited by Linda Kohanov in the Master Herder model, followed by the wonderful privilege and experience of assisting Linda facilitate a Balance of Power workshop for a small group of EFL practitioners and energy workers at the fabulous Eureka Pines, but mostly because the Divine Ms J, Jaz, officially Avlon Jaz for Jodie, transitioned from this Earth walk on the 9th August, 8 days after her 8th birthday.  It was an extremely hard and gut-wrenching decision to make to end her life, but her pain was becoming unmanageable, and one night it became crystal clear to me that the end was inevitable and the only humane choice.   Her death is a love story, a story of loss and grief, and ultimately release, reunion and rejoicing.

When Marcus transitioned on 29 May, Jaz and I were bereft. After the privilege of some weeks of palliative care for Marcus, and a final week dedicated to giving him his heart’s desire, I felt like a fragile craft with no rudder or sail, being carried by swell and current over which I had no control. Jaz was in shock.  She could barely function. She stood with her head held low, her eyes dulled with the pain of grief. She barely ate. She hung around the shelter she and Marcus had spent so much time sharing, but she never ventured back into the paddock where the two of them had wandered together. She ventured once over to the place where his body had lain, lifeless, after the chemicals that entered his bloodstream swiftly brought merciful peace.  This feisty, free spirit had been robbed of her joyful essence, her world suddenly shattered. She had spent most of her short life with Marcus – who was the true leader of our little herd in many ways – and was our lodestone.

And I see losing love is like a window in your heart

Everybody sees you’re blown apart – Everybody sees the wind blow …Graceland, Paul Simon

Jaz was the pony with “diamonds on the soles of her shoes” for me. A magical pony, a princess, a twinkling, sparkling unicorn, the pony every little girl dreams of and loves – so pretty, so filled with joy and zest for life, ready each moment for whatever fun was next. She was so pretty, soft yet sturdy, sweet yet feisty, young, innocent and a beautiful complement to the attention-grabbing looks and bold curiosity of Marcus. She was bossy around food from about week 3 of arrival – as an insulin resistant pony who first foundered in all 4 feet at 4 years of age, she was always rationed and very food driven. I had to keep her away from Marcus at meal times so she didn’t use her solid body to push him off his food. Her favourite way was simply to rush in reverse and double barrel! This was the source of the few arguments she and I had. She was outraged at times that I pushed her off and returned the tastier, larger meal to Marcus. When really put out she would squeal – and race around the paddock to express her displeasure and vent the frustration of inequity.

In all other respects, Marcus was the leader. He was the curious pony who moved towards novelties, strange sounds, deer, wallabies, echidnas, new horses, dogs, balloons, escaped plastic bags – whatever turned up in the paddocks. He was confident walking down the road or the fire trail, going into the covered arena, the round yard – wherever. She would always look to him and take her cue from his reaction or decision; a great teacher and mentor for her. He was also her rock during the first founder episode that saw her close to death; only her attitude, a fantastic farrier and all the healing energy, herbs, crystals and support I could muster got her through four confined months of intensive treatment to rectify the rotation in all hooves with just 1mm of sole between the pedal bones and the earth. And Marcus of course, she had Marcus next to her, patient and tolerant; her rock.  There was a time when the light left her eye and I truly feared losing her. I felt the presence of darkness coming nearer and nearer, and omens were everywhere, ominously. I remember shouting to the presence; “if you’ve come for death you can F off; if you’ve come for transformation, bring it!”

The light returned, she made it, she recovered fully. Jaz; the pony that did not die against all odds. The vets and farrier couldn’t believe how complete her healing was. Tears of joy moistened my cheeks to see her gallop round the paddock again:  a miracle I had feared would be denied. She was evidence of the power of love and healing in action.

Jaz brought the archetypal energies of the Child: the Divine Child, the Innocent Child and the Magical Child. The remarkable story of a divine child, apparently so vulnerable and so weak, who survives against all odds, is echoed around the world. Despite the harsh and unwelcoming environment, the hostility of the powers that be, and all the forces arrayed against her, the child survives, and even flourishes. We see this in the story of Jesus, the young Moses, the Buddha, the Egyptian god Horus and also Krishna.  The Divine Child is closely related to both the Innocent and Magical Child. It is associated with innocence, purity, and redemption.  Jaz brought all these elements – and clients connected with those aspects of her often in her work as my colleague in equine facilitated learning.  She also possessed self-assuredness, completely comfortable in whom she was, which fostered confidence in many a young client struggling with bullying or self-esteem. She radiated pure love and innocence for me: and at other times had a sense of self love in line with her natal sun sign, Leo. Her blonde mane was much admired and the envy of many a girl – and when she tossed it in a very leonine way, it brought a smile to my face and my heart.

She smelt amazing – her mane – unique, sweet smell – and her breath, breath we shared so often – as we did butterfly kisses, fluttering our eyelashes against each other’s – we were so close, so connected. She was so strongly there for me when my father died. The horses all were, but Jaz, in her sweet, feminine, nurturing way that mares have, was there for me in a gently, nurturing way the geldings weren’t.  Damn I miss her sweetness every day.  As she grieved for Marcus she became thinner, the weight dropping at an alarming rate.

“Come on skinny love just last the year!”  Bon Iver

She trusted me totally – and I failed her.  At least that’s how I felt in those last weeks; desperate to save her – so young, so vibrant and I, so unwilling to admit defeat, to admit I couldn’t save her, to face that unwanted, unwelcome, unwholesome truth.  I could not offer energy healing as was our weekly routine: I was grieving too much to be effective in this. I asked others to help: there were brief moments where she felt happier, but they were very short-lived.  As chaotic insulin levels exacerbated her laminitis, her unwillingness to eat became a major issue. “Anything, get her to eat anything” the vet said.  Blood tests revealed her metabolism was edging towards crisis: her liver and kidneys starting to be impacted.  One night, when I went out to see the horses, as is my habit, before going to bed, I found her lying in the shelter, digging into the ground with her hooves, trying it seemed, to escape the pain.  Connecting with her, heart to heart, the way ahead became clear.

I was shattered, in shock with the loss and the remorse and felt really more inclined to follow the ponies than remain. Thank goodness for Thomas who held the space for me, as he had so wonderfully for Jaz, and for Marcus. Dear, strong, sensitive soul who has supported me through much grief and loss over the years – I am so very grateful to him. Grateful too for the healings I was able to get; from various sources, a Qigong teacher, a talented kinesiologist who is also a shamanic practitioner – and from my journeying to connect with the ponies, both of whom had visited me in dreams shortly after their transitions.  When Jaz visited my dreamtime, she took me for a ride – bareback, no tack, through a beautiful place, across many obstacles that were made easy by her carrying me and our connection.  I never rode Jaz – she offered unmounted work only in our practice, so this was a bountiful, precious gift.

Connecting with Marcus and Jaz was delightful.  My power animals were pushed out of the way by a very excited, vivacious Jaz, in full unicorn regalia, rushing forward to tell me how great everything was; how happy she was and how FABULOUS IS THIS?!?!  She was joy, pure joy, once again.

Marcus was proud and regal in the background – appearing at times as himself, and at times as a centaur, which is what he so often seemed: half horse, half human and with the wisdom and healing capacity of Chiron.  They told me that they were happy together; that they were going to play a guiding role in my life and that I was to write.  A similar message was brought in my session with my kinesiologist: they made their presence known – and said they had left to make space for new things. I guess that will unfold and become clearer to me in time.

How is it possible that so many people still believe animals do not feel emotions, do not suffer, do not grieve? Witnessing Jaz’s grief would have surely cracked the hardest heart, bent the most rigid mind.  But perhaps those who doubt lack connection themselves; perhaps they shield themselves from love, loss and empathy because these demand the courage to be vulnerable, to reveal raw wounds and lack of self-compassion.  All the things these two wonderful ponies helped people with.

I honour and welcome my broken open heart for it reflects the depth of my love. I honour too the memory of the extraordinary bond between Marcus and Jaz, and the bond they shared with me. They were my dream team – such a synergetic powerhouse, their ability to work together and offer what was needed most to clients was extraordinary to witness.  I am grateful I was chosen to bear witness.

The ponies have gifted Thomas and me a new colleague, El Sid, who was brought to my attention in Jaz’s last week.  He is sensitive, big hearted and youthful – combining may of the qualities possessed by Marcus and Jaz.  I have deep gratitude for the special people who led him to us. While our path is not entirely clear, we know we are blessed and guided strongly by two special souls from the other side of the veil as well as the mare who started it all, Indigo Flame. All is well. Our connection is infinite.

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller

“I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day

When it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May

I guess you’d say, what could make me feel this way?

My girl, talkin’ ‘bout my girl.” (The Temptations)  For the Divine Ms J, my girl, with love and grace.